Three miles is fine with me

The other day, Ben and I were on a run in suffocating humidity and I was giving myself a pep talk.

Now stop and take a moment because that's the whole point of this post. A milestone post. I gave myself a pep talk and I didn't have to coax myself into such a positive moment - I went there on my own.

See, I have a troubled relationship with running. I remember the summer my dad said I had to run a mile every day if I wanted to stay ready for sports. A mile felt like forever. I have a steep barrier in my mind when it comes to running.

Ben has run a few marathons and generally enjoys the pursuit so when we started dating, it was a way he wanted to spend our time. At that point, I felt so far behind him it didn't seem worth it to try to keep up. I biked along on his long runs and muddled through the short ones the best I could. But the man wanted to chat. Chat! While I was panting! 

I noticed I had an attitude quickly. More than weakness - ruthlessness. My mood synced with my body and if I felt good, I felt good. But if I felt bad... Typically the attitude is pointed at Ben. He got me into this mess. He runs too fast. Too far. Too often. Too hot. 

And he cuts me off when we turn a corner.

After awhile, I increased my mileage possibilities (10 mile race!) but without pressure, I stay in the low ranges. I thought running 10 miles would unlock this secret passion for spending hours out and about but it hasn't. 

The effort it had taken to run an easy three miles humbles me. I mean, I'm a fit individual. I've seen acquaintances and friends pound mile after mile and I'm holding steady at three. I don't think I'm complaining. I just thought I'd see more progress over two years. 

So imagine us out in this unseasonably warm May evening that feels inhuman. It had to be 78 degrees and 80 percent humidity. Heavy stuff. And I feel pretty terrible already because I have a propensity for tight calves / Achilles and I never drink enough water. It was a quiet run for us aside from the occasional "Are you still alive?" 

So we're about halfway through our run and I'm thinking to myself, You know you can stop. You know you can walk and he can keep going and it's not a big deal. Maybe just take a break a stretch. I'm my own best friend - I'm trying to give myself a break. But then I thought about how great it would feel to not stop. I started pointing out (to myself) that my calves had kinda relaxed and it was just the heat that was getting to me. And Ben was keeping a manageable pace, so why stop now? Besides, I'd it's really the heat, stopping just means a slower way home.

And it hit me as I ran my last hill that I finally FINALLY kept running for the joy of it rather than the victory. It was out of love instead of defiance. (I am a highly competitive perfectionist people pleasing person.)

So after two years of low mileage and not meeting my goals, I've met a goal. I've become a happy runner. I run for myself even when I don't really want to run. I can talk myself out of my own funk. And I didn't even get mad at my running partner.

Progress takes many forms. 

Beyond talent

I've acquired an unexpected number of shoes the past several years. I used to wear a trusty pair of Converse – through high school, through college. I owned a pair of nicer shoes for the days I dressed up for work or church, but I patted myself on the back for being so low maintenance. Then I started running, and I bought minimalist shoes because my toes fell asleep in the cushy ones. Then rock climbing and hiking. Then a pair for hiking into a climb. This year, for Christmas, Ben bought me my first pair of bike shoes.

At some point my Converse were thrown out and replaced, which is fine. That's another pat on the back for me: I attach very little to clothing. Clothing specifically, because if you asked me about books, I'd tell you it depends. Once I've read it, it's unlikely I can part with it. It's like an animal shelter director told me: You can think medically (logically) about a new animal when it's just come into the shelter, but God help you when you've learned its personality. Who can part with a kitten with a name and a temperament? Books are my kittens. If I've held onto it for years and never read it, I can make the logical decision.

Last year I replaced my first pair of minimalist running shoes (which were vibram five-fingers) to return to a regular-style shoe, figuring I could run more comfortably year-round because I could wear socks. I ran a few times one winter in five-fingers, and it felt like I could have lost of feet and never realized – running on ice blocks. But since Ben and I married, we like to run together, and he's basically immune to temperature changes, so I needed something more versatile.

And here's where I made a mistake.

I'm an amateur distance runner – never broken 10 miles, though I've run that comfortably a few times. I don't know a lot about shoes and feet and everything. I bought these shoes that hurt my feet. It was nearly a year ago that I started to notice my heel ached at work and I would roll onto the outside of my foot when I stood to avoid putting pressure on it. And I wore my running shoes to work (at the bookstore), wearing them for up to 8 hours, maybe running later. Anyway, the muscles in my lower legs and feet weren't ready for so much barefoot action. It took me months to realize it was a runner's injury and more months to figure out the right remedy.

I took a lot of time off until finally my foot started cooperating enough to run a half a mile each way to the park at the top of the hill to workout. 1 mile total – maybe three days a week – for a couple of months. That was in October, and it's when I started asking myself questions about consistency.

When I wore Converse, my only activity shoes were soccer cleats, the left one still tied up with a pink shoelace from the year on JV when the team vowed to practice using our non-dominant foot. No more extra touches on the ball to play it to the right foot for that shot – use your left. But using your left foot when your right-foot dominant is very similar to trying to write with your left hand when you're right-handed. 

I grew up competitive in everything, seeing every class, every job as a chance to be better than someone else. In my quest to add miles to my running record, I overdid it and got hurt. And now I'm back to square one. In December, I stepped it up to 2 miles three or four times a week. My feet feel great, and I'm tempted to go farther because I want to prove my progress. 

I want so many things out of life. Because they're things like run a marathon or climb Longs Peak, I think they're worthier aspirations than someone else's. I catch myself feeling wild, frenzied jealousy or earth-shattering depression as I compare my goals and progression to others'. I crave the next thing, rushing through moments to get to whatever landmark I think holds my happiness. When I realize it isn't there and I'm back at the beginning, I want to give up.

It's materialism: abiding by the American way, clamoring for things I think I deserve, wrinkling my nose at the work and slowness of discipline. I used to think the right things came quick and easy. Build a life on talent, and do fine. It never goes far enough. I get to the edge of my easy life and I want to go farther. It seems like I spend my days building, looking out at 'what if I did this?' and knowing it will take more building to get there.